True Beauty

Julia and I are exploring the meaning of Beauty, intersecting Beauty with the word of God, and letting Beauty live in our lives. Inspired by a joint feeling of just not measuring up in the beauty category, we’re tackling some hard questions:

• What is Beauty? And does it reside in me?
• And when my husband says that I’m beautiful, how can I receive those words as truth in a culture that says the opposite?
• What am I going to teach my daughters about Beauty?
• And most importantly, what does the Word of God say about Beauty?

Join us as we converse about a topic that touches the heart of all women.
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Dearest Melissa,

We’ve spoken of many things through this series.

We’ve talked of modesty, words, parenting our daughters, teaching our daughters about Beauty, who is Beautiful and about living out Beauty to glorify the One who made it.

It’s a lot to strive for, and much to live up to.

Of course, no one is perfect. We all have shortcomings.

But, what about when we fail?
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When I was in graduate school, my life felt completely and utterly out of control:

• my boyfriend broke my heart
• two of my best friends were engaged to be married
• I was a bridesmaid in both weddings
• from the recesses of my memory, I recalled trauma from my childhood
• my family was one big disaster
• graduate school was hard and demanding
• I was working two part-time jobs

I was in the depths of despair. I handled “the depths of despair” poorly, to say the least.

I looked in the mirror and, somehow, everything that was wrong could get better if I just wasn’t so “fat”.

I exercised to unhealthy ends.
I hardly ate.

Numbers on the scale dropped lower, bones jutted out further. I still despaired.

I loathed myself. What I looked like, who I was.

I have some pictures from one of the weddings I was in, but seeing what I look like is not my point.

My point is—I’m sure there are many women out there with a story like this one:

A story of self-loathing.
A story of fighting for control.
A story of hurting her body.
A story of sinking into the depths of despair, where the ocean waves of depression mercilessly crash over her body, as she fought to keep breathing.
Or maybe, in her story, she wanted to stop breathing.

 There is redemption here in all of this. On the other side of all this struggle, all this yuck, all this “I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel”, there is redemption.

A friend of mine, with her own story, shared this verse with me:

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten….
~Joel 2:25a

These are those years! I am blessed beyond what I deserve, and my cup is overflowing with joy!
I won’t say I don’t still struggle sometimes. There is a balance. Moderation. Sometimes I have to search through the weeds to find it, like a golfer looking for his shanked ball.

I have to fight for joy, sometimes I have to fight hard. In the joy, I find Beauty:

Beauty in my daughters
Beauty in me

I also find a space to give myself permission to love myself. Love myself, because God created me with love and care. He knit me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13b). My body is his temple, I should care for it, and love it tenderly, as he does.
That is grace. Redemption.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
~Oscar Wilde

What a gift, to be lifted so far out of the pit where I was wallowing.

With that gift, with that undeserved redemption, I want to live, and “be” in such a way that my daughters do not see my struggle. So that they do not see me struggling with the way God made me. I do not want them to inherit that struggle.

Julia and I are exploring the meaning of Beauty, intersecting Beauty with the word of God, and letting Beauty live in our lives. Inspired by a joint feeling of just not measuring up in the beauty category, we’re tackling some hard questions:

• What is Beauty? And does it reside in me?
• And when my husband says that I’m beautiful, how can I receive those words as truth in a culture that says the opposite?
• What am I going to teach my daughters about Beauty?
• And most importantly, what does the Word of God say about Beauty?

Join us as we converse about a topic that touches the heart of all women.
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Dearest Julia,

Modesty

It’s such a buzz word in the Christian community.  Yet the word means such different things to each person.  Some think modesty means flowing dresses and head coverings. Others believe modesty means women should only wear skirts and dresses.  There a new movement for modesty coupled with modern dress.  Finally, there are those who feel that bikini’s can be modest because they cover all the important bits.

But I’m going to consult Dictionary.com and go back to the definition of the word itself.

Modesty

1. The quality of being modest; freedom from vanity, boastfulness
2. Regard for decency of behavior, dress, speech
3. Simplicity; Moderation

Modest

1. Having or showing a moderate or humble estimate of one’s merits, importance, etc; free from vanity, egotism, boastfulness or great pretensions.
2. Free from ostentation or showy extravagance
3. Having or showing regard for the decencies of behavior, speech, dress, etc.
4. Limited or moderate in amount, extent, etc

It seems to me that the quality of modesty might just go a bit deeper than convictions on what clothing we should or should not wear.
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Jump on over to Julia’s blog to read the rest!

Julia and I are exploring the meaning of Beauty, intersecting Beauty with the word of God, and letting Beauty live in our lives. Inspired by a joint feeling of just not measuring up in the beauty category, we’re tackling some hard questions:

• What is Beauty? And does it reside in me?
• And when my husband says that I’m beautiful, how can I receive those words as truth in a culture that says the opposite?
• What am I going to teach my daughters about Beauty?
• And most importantly, what does the Word of God say about Beauty?

Join us as we converse about a topic that touches the heart of all women.
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Dearest Melissa,

As I was preparing to write my response, I reread your letter. Tears pricked my eyes as I read through your scars: your sister teasing you, your friends abandoning you when you were 10–ugh! I ache that you had to endure that.

We all have them. Scars.

I bet every woman reading this could share deep, painful, scars from her youth. I know I can.

I wrote before about physical scars. But these scars, emotional scars, they run deeper.

Scars. Even the word is ugly, isn’t it?

Scars become part of us.
We carry them around.
They are part of what makes us who we are.
And, for better or worse, scars influence the way we parent our daughters.
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Before Brad and I knew the gender of our girls, I remember thinking:

I’m not sure I can mother girls. (I think I might have even prayed for boys).

I have three sisters–I know girls, yet I wasn’t sure I wanted one of my own. My reason?

Fear.

Fear that I would irrevocably screw up a girl (or two) with my “issues”, my scars.

I think the heavens laughed at me.

Clearly, God had different plans, as my arms and heart are full with two 20 pound lovelies.

It strikes me as I type this–I haven’t really been gripped with that fear lately. A huge blessing, to be sure.
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I’ve kept a journal for my girls since before they were born. I noticed, as I read back through it today, I’ve been battling fear since the second I found out I was pregnant–I wrote about it often. This was the verse I put on the first page each of their journals:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 4:6-8

Oh my goodness, do you see?!

Anyone who reads our blogs, knows that you and I pour out our thanks weekly.

It’s just as Ann’s book says: thanksgiving and fear cannot co-mingle!

The thanksgiving brings peace–a peace that me and my scarred, broken self cannot understand, but it’s there!

Perfect peace.

Peace that, daily, allows me to enjoy the gift of my girls, rather than living gripped with the fear of messing them up.
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Of course, I can’t just wallow in peace without action. The gift of my peace comes a responsibility to my daughters teach and model True Beauty for them.

The rich word, pregnant with meaning, that you and I emailed about last week sums up much of what we must teach. Modesty.

Modesty in dress. Modesty in speech. Modesty in behavior.

Julia and I are exploring the meaning of Beauty, intersecting Beauty with the word of God, and letting Beauty live in our lives. Inspired by a joint feeling of just not measuring up in the beauty category, we’re tackling some hard questions:

• What is Beauty? And does it reside in me?
• And when my husband says that I’m beautiful, how can I receive those words as truth in a culture that says the opposite?
• What am I going to teach my daughters about Beauty?
• And most importantly, what does the Word of God say about Beauty?

Join us as we converse about a topic that touches the heart of all women.
__________________________________________________

Dearest Julia,

Let me be honest: your last letter provoked an intial reaction from me that was extremely negative.  I sat down and tried to justify why I did not want to hear your message.  I even made a list of excuses:

• one bottle of fancy wrinkle cream + one tube of mascara + one box of permanent hair dye= enough money to feed, clothe, and give a Compassion Child the gift of hearing the gospel for a whole month!
• I’m a bit of an hippie outdoorsy type who somewhat shun beauty products.  I wash my hair with baking soda and vinegar.  I moisturize and protect my body from sunburn with coconut oil.  I’ve never had a pedicure or manicure in my life.
• I want my daughters to be little girls for as long as possible.  I want them to be smearing lipstick around their whole mouth while prancing around in dress up clothes and mommy’s heels at eight or even 10 years of age.  I want them turning cartwheels and climbing trees in their “princess dresses” while hosting a tea party with friends.
• I want to talk to them more about the beauty of a heart filled with the Fruits of the Spirit than about how to shave their legs, or what styles flatter their shape.

But the truth is: the reason I reacted so violently toward your post is because I’m so sinfully prideful that I should weep in repentance.

Because, if I’m truly honest, I reacted the way I did because of my own scars:
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Hop on over to Julia’s to read the rest of this post

Dearest Melissa,

I want to be very careful in this space where we write.

Only speak words that make souls stronger.

I don’t want to judge anyone for making a personal choice to undergo breast augmentation or get a Botox injection. I read this deep and rich post this week, and I feel the need to say that.

I put on make-up. I use products on my face to keep blemishes and lines away. I pluck, tweeze, and will soon be dying the ever-multiplying grey hairs on my head. I work out to keep the size of my thighs and behind respectable.

It’s no different.

I use those products, yank out/color hair, and get my sweat on to enhance what God gave me. To make myself attractive to my husband, and to make myself presentable to the world.

I think part of being a Proverbs 31 woman is enhancing what God gives us–whatever that means for you. This is a careful balance, but one, I believe, is important to share with our daughters.

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As I read Proverbs 31, I believe that in the wee hours, when that woman arises and prepares for her day, part of that time involves “prettying” herself:

She clothes herself in fine linen and purple (vs. 22), so I’m sure she took care beautifying the rest of her to go along with those lovely clothes.

The text also says her arms are strong for her tasks (vs 17).  This was before P90X or jazzercise, but she kept herself fit.

Most importantly though, her husband praises her (vs. 28). He uses his words to praise her for what she does, but I bet he also tells her what a little hottie she is too.

Beauty is fleeting (vs 30). Absolutely, that is true. But that doesn’t mean that we should overlook caring for ourselves, and enhancing what God gave us. We need to show our daughters how this is done!
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It makes me sad when I see young girls, unflatteringly, squeezing themselves into a pair of skinny jeans–you know what I’m talking about. They “muffin-top” out of the waistband and the extra skin may, or may not be covered by a skimpy tee shirt.

I had lots of dark hair on my legs until I decided that it was time to shave in the third grace. I have the scar on my shin to prove it.

Have you ever seen the beautiful mess that results in a young child smearing applying lipstick to her own face?

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The above are all well-intentioned, but misguided and undirected attempts at Beauty.

We need to be involved, and show our daughters how to enhance what God has given them. 

As mamas we must be involved in helping our daughters choose wardrobes that are stylish and flattering.

We must have an open dialogue about grooming and hygiene, and show them how to do it the right way.

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