Jan
16
2013There’s a group of kids, none over 15 tender years, standing on the stage. They’re singing this favorite from Rich Mullins at an ordination service for two men in our church.
The same song that Amy Smallwood sang quietly while walking through miles of wilderness, when she didn’t think we could hear her. 70+ miles with 60+ pounds on my back in the North/South Carolina early fall humid heat. How do you keep walking when you think you can’t make it up the next rise? When you have to ask for help from the boys just to get your pack on your shoulders again for over a week before you can manage to lift it on your own?
But I heard her. And those words resonated.
Sometimes the climb can be so steep, I may falter in my steps but never beyond Your reach… and step by step You’ll lead me, and I will follow You all of my days.
There’s so many hard days as a mom where I just drop everything. Faltering hardly begins to describe the mess I can make. I yell, rage, hurt feelings, let them cry too long, act unwisely, and just can be so selfish. It’s not pretty. Oh, but the grace there to start again is precious. The grace that I don’t have to have it together because He did perfect for me.
I think the biggest thing for me right now to keep in focus is those little faces.
That Aeralind Grace with her crazy tired chatter.
That Bronwyn Hope who just climbs right up into your space uninvited.
That Sedryn Justice with his mischievous smirk.
This is my biggest God-sized Dream (more of what God wants for me in my life). My biggest area of calling. Those little eager faces waiting for me to speak grace.
That said, there’s this part of me called to photograph the beautiful-mess of others. This unexpected calling blossoming right in the middle of the chaos of early childhood. A timing so unexpected for me that my breath is still taken away. And the following of both of those callings, mothering and photographing, is just Step by Step. Moment by moment. Never beyond His reach.
Holley asked us God-sized dreamers to write just a bit about one step we’ve taken for our dreams since this started. All of mine are small. Some took more time than others. I’ve written 6+ Beginner Photography Class posts when what I really want to do is teach hands on with a small group. It’s a start. I’ve photographed a few sessions for free and a paid one or two. I’ve volunteered to photograph 3 single moms a year, because really the beautiful strength in their day to day mess just takes my breath away.
But none of the steps I take are more important than guarding my calling of motherhood to those three precious faces. So I’m putting this out here in the world for you to see and hold me accountable.
As I pursue this dream, I will strive by God’s grace
- Not to edit a session while my children are awake
- Not to take on more than 3 sessions per month
- to continue to capture my beautiful-messy life both with the lens and the pen (or keyboard).
I just wanted you to know that I don’t think there’s a more important step for me to take right now than these.
Hop on over to Holley’s and see what steps others are taking.
Jan
12
2013My covers are beckoning me to dive into them for rest. But, I pause here for five minutes with words.
I read something today that made me reflect on patterns from my past repeating themselves in my treatment of my precious girls. I’m not even sure how to express this sin of mine in words. Oh, but it’s selfishness at the root.
As an introvert, it’s so much easier to disengage. To beg for a break. To bury myself under the covers. These children, the demand so much. So quickly. So in my lap, in my ear, so all over me all day.
I’ve been sick this week, more tired than usual. They’ve been sick this week. More whiny than usual. Little feeling have been hurt. Big fits have been thrown. Sin. So much sin that we have been walking through.
So grateful just for the pool of grace to dive into and come up refreshed. Renewed. Repentant. Forgiven.
Good night.
Jan
05
2013Sedryn’s lying on my chest, wheezing hard, in the dark exam room. What started as what I thought was croup, was ending in what I clearly knew was bronchialitis. That evil RSV virus that inflames airways and makes my babies feel like their drowning in their own lungs.
All three of them have faced this battle. The girls spent many nights curled up in our beds and signing please at the sight of the nebulizer. Sedryn summons the energy to fight the nebulizer for a bit, but then collapses in a lifeless heap back on my chest.
In the morning, he wakes feeling a little better. He drinks his milk and curls in next to me. I ask him if he wants his back rubbed. He says “Yah,” with the slightest hint of mischief in his voice. I rub that back and each time I think he’s fallen back asleep and stop rubbing, he wiggles his body to tell me to keep it up. Sweet little stinker.
I only have this opportunity once. Only one moment right now where I can lay him next to me and rub. The same moments already passed with his sweet sisters two years ago (and hopefully they will not need visits with Mr. Nebulizer ever again).
This moment is ordinary. Nothing special. Nothing tragic. Just normal day in and day out mothering. But it’s my only opportunity to live this moment fully. To live all there.
Sedryn, he sleeps 6+ hours each day while sick. The girls ask to do their reading homework. They surprise me with what they’ve retained since my last feeble attempt to read with them. One opportunity to hear them read the words “am” and “me” for the first time. One opportunity to see that excitement.
I don’t want to miss these opportunities.
Jan
03
2013The laundry lies in heaps and baskets all over the house. It’s crumpled and rumpled but clean.
I’m a lot like my laundry, and I have a feeling you might be too. I’m washed clean, forgiven of all my sins, yet I lie rumpled in the mess of the everday. Somtimes I’m too crippled to do anything at all. I feel like my day to day life is filled with so much sin that I couldn’t possibly be used by Him.
Yet, what I’ve learned most in the last year is that God uses me best when I expose those messy rumpled bits of daily life and sin. The fact of the matter is that I still use my crumpled clean laundry; God still uses my messy-beautiful sin-filled life.
For a little over a month now, I’ve been encouraged in a secret Facebook group of God-sized dreamers. When I applied for this God-sized Dreams Team, I’m pretty sure I wrote my dream as “to photography 12 session in the next year.”
But our facilitator-leader, Holley Gerth, had us dig way deeper from day one. Holley made us explore our strengths, our skills, and the tug on our hearts for a certain group of people. That culminated this week in a LIFE statement.
And here mine is.
I believe God has created and called me to reveal to women with photography and words that our most beautiful moments are the messy everyday vulnerable stories.
As you can probably tell, I’ve been doing a lot of reorienting since buying my Quiet Graces domain. I’m trying to streamline things around this central purpose. Trying to ignore the fears and life a life that follows this purpose by God’s grace alone.
I want to tell you the hard stories about my days. I want to share with you the joy in everyday moments. I want to capture images that speak of beautiful-mess grace. I want to teach you to use your camera to capture those moments, too.
But I think there might be a bit of quiet in this space for a season. Cautious quiet as I listen to His voice. The type of quiet that is learning to use her own crumpled clean (and dirty) laundry for the glory of God.
Right now, I’ll commit to two maybe three post a week. My Beginner Photography Class posts on Tuesdays and on Wednesdays I’ll try to post in a way that scares me as I work toward this God sized dream. There will be a post or two on client sessions as they’re completed on Fridays or funny kid stories as they occur. And perhaps Multitude Monday posts if I can keep track of my gratitude journal. But mostly there will be the quiet of a heart seeking Him hard for a season.
