Feb
06
2013I know I’m supposed to write about conquering a fear in the past. And true, showing the God-Sized Dreamers (and you) this picture below of me in my “awkward” stage may have made me giggle about a fear or two in the past.
That’s me on the left… I won’t name my innocent sidekick… she knows who she is 🙂
But the truth is that today is one of those days that the fears are winning.
Today is a day filled with what ifs. Filled with expectations too high and reality not meeting any of them. I’m tired (baby in bed with me randomly last night), hormonal (can this week be done yet?), slightly frustrated, and have no clear view of the path ahead of me. I’d say I’m pretty discouraged at the moment.
But God.
God leads me right here in this book that I facilitate discussion with on Tuesday evenings:
How can we tell whether our efforts at _______ (fill in the blank… although her book has words here) are motivated by reliance on God’s grace or on self trust? How can we know whether we’re trying to obligate God or serve him in gratitude? One way to judge is to consider your reaction when your _______ fail. If you are angry, frustrated, or despairing because you work so hard and they aren’t responding, then you’re working (at least in part) for the wrong reasons. Conversely, if you’re proud when ______ and you get those desired kudos–Oh! Your _____ are so good!–you should suspect your motives. Both pride and despair grow in the self-reliant heart.
Elyse Fitzpatrick in Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus
So there you have it: my learning for today’s day of despair. My self-reliant heart is preventing me from receiving the extravagant grace He has for me in this very moment.
Check your heart. Swim in His grace with me and then lets try again tomorrow.
Feb
04
2013Super late on posting this since I had so many clients in late December and early January. I still have week 52 and some thoughts on the project to pull together. Whew. Just looking back over these pictures… ah… what a great week! Enjoy!
Jan
28
2013”The gospel frees us from the relentless pressure of having to prove ourselves, for we are already proven and secure.” Tim Keller
Life as a perfectionist isn’t easy. Even if I plan each day to the very minute, a hundred messes will break out.
The girls will roll around the floor screaming and fighting over baby dino.
Sedryn will puke because I gave him milk that was spoiled without realizing it (when he’s mostly the only one who drinks milk in the house it’s easy to overlook that sort of thing….).
Mount laundry will continue to be clean… and unfolded.
It will rain when it was supposed to be sunny.
I will burn dinner.
My photography clients will cancel (or I may not have a single one this year).
My dreams will be side railed.
I have two choices in these moments.
1. Pull myself up, put on a big smile, do the extra work, and show you how worthy I am.
2. Fall on my knees, announce my failure or my mess before my family(that includes you) and God, ask Him for help (or ask the local body of Christ when needed), and then crawl back up clinging to His grace because He is more worthy than anything else.
I will choose the latter. I will choose to reveal my messes if it proves Him greater. And just saying that makes me sort of cringe. You know how when you type something out like that, the Enemy chooses to create more mess in your life. Yeah, I know that’s coming. And I know this too: His grace is sufficient.
I’m writing this today for that friend who sent me texts while likely sitting in her car on lunch break because she was crying so hard she couldn’t call. That friend whom I wish wasn’t so far geographically or I’d be in the car with a hyper overtired children on my way to clean her home(which clearly isn’t in my gifted-ness), make her supper, and finally hug her tight when she got home.
We’re never going to be perfect. We’re never going to be proven. We’re never going to have anything to glory in except this one thing: Jesus Christ. And He is enough and perfect and impossible to lose.
So, friend (friends- all of you sweet messy people really), don’t be afraid to be seen in the thick of your un-glorious mess. The mess you created or the one surrounding you. I’m not impressed when you’re busy proving yourself. I might be jealous (but that’s my own sin issue, eh?), but I’m not impressed. But when you share with me and others the mess you’re living, then I am impressed. I’m impressed with your strength and the grace He has given you to keep going. I’m impressed with the desire to come alongside you and partner with you however I can, knowing that soon you will walk through my mess with me.
That’s the purpose of the Body of Christ: to disciple each other in the gospel of grace. That means there will be seasons where I will preach the gospel to you, and there will be seasons where I will beg you to preach the gospel to me. And we will both feed from that gospel like starving women; for it is only in that gospel that we will ever be “proven and secure.”
Jan
25
2013It happens again.
It’s barely 50 degrees next to my desk window and I’ve sweat through my shirt because I’m afraid of the rejection likely to come.
But Laurie, she falls over laughing at least twice at me. The good laugh. The kind of laugh that helps you know that you’re not the only one feeling that way. The kind of laugh that shows your feeling is universal.
I’m not sure why the fear of being defined as the awkward middle/high school nerd again keeps coming from. Why do I let that season of growth define me again and again? It’s almost been twenty years since I walked in those shoes and I’m still grieving. Still letting it define me.
But I’m not that little girl anymore, the one who had rejection on all four sides. The one who felt so alone. The Lord, He’s put me in a place where I have people who laugh at my nerd-iness in the good camaraderie way. Friends who hear the heart within, no matter where they came from, and truly see the person He is causing to come to being within me.
And for those friends and that new image in me, I will thank the Lord again. Even if I still soak through with sweat in fear of the old rejection.
Jan
23
2013I’ve always been sort of a loner. What can I say, I was the girl who willingly spent 90 minutes alone in a darkroom developing pictures. The girl who wore out a single mattress spring right under where her elbow rested to write in her journals. The girl who cut her finger with her own pocket knife while playing pioneer in the woods alone.
I do alone well. I’m stubborn and I want things my way, and if we’re doing a group project, well, I’ll just do it all thank-you-very-much.
But I can’t do alone well. I’m pretty sure no one can.
God Himself exists in relationship: Father, Spirit, Son. He made us in his image. He made us to crave relationship.
When I am alone, I am weak.
Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:11-12
One February in college my fellow Outdoor Leadership Major, Whitney, suggested we take two never-been-camping-before Hawaiians out into the woods. It was 60 degrees on campus, so we packed up our gear and headed a mere 35 minutes into the mountains.
When we arrived our path was covered with 1-2 inches of snow mostly turned ice. Yet we were there, so we paid for our permit and made the best of it. In middle of the night, I awoke freezing in my 45 degree rated bag on top of that block of ice beneath the tent. I had never been so cold. I listened to the breathing of my tent-mates, all of whom were mere acquaintances.
“We’re all awake aren’t we?” I whispered.
“Yes.”
It was the coldest night of our lives. We rearranged our tent. Spread two sleeping bags underneath all of us and the other two on top. Topped it all off with a pair of silver emergency blankets. Ate our meager provisions of pop tarts and took turns in the middle through the rest of that long cold night.
I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t had tent mates that evening, the ranger would have found me in the morning and taken me to the hospital.
But it’s not just on a foolish camping trip on ice without the right gear that having people around your really matters. I need relationship daily. To spur me on to grow me. To show me sin. To help me change.
For me, this has been especially apparent since the birth of baby #3. I sort of had it under control when the it was just the twins. Sure, there were hard days, but strings of them were rare. Even waddling around 9 months pregnant things were pretty much okay.
Then came Sedryn. Suddenly, I had more babies than hands, limited sleep, a need to sit down and nurse for 20+ minutes every 3 hours, and not many places to go. To top it all off his first few months of life were the dead of winter. My church small group had broken up and we had not hooked up with a new one. I was the new girl in my ladies bible study group and my MOPS group and because of the newborn couldn’t make it to most evening events. And I was a mess. Some days I cried more than the kids did.
And God used this time to humble me. I made calls to friends in tears exclaiming “How do I do this?” in between sobs. I got roped into a new church small group. My MOPS friends became a lifeline. I cried so hard in Ladies Bible Study and left with so many hugs and encouragement.
I couldn’t do it alone. (You can’t do it alone.)
So when Holley (and God) selected me for this God-Sized Dream Team, I immediately told friends (really… that’s not in my nature). But I wanted and Holley asked us to have encouraging friends to be accountable to during our dream season. I have two main ones right now (and I’m sure throughout my season of growth these main supporters will grow and change and evolve and He sees fit).
First, I want you to meet Julia.
That’s Julia with her sweet family when they were here visiting in September 2011. If you’ve hung out here on this blog for awhile, I’m sure you’ve met Julia. We wrote a series on True Beauty together. Julia’s twin girls are a mere 5 months younger than mine and we bonded over those crazy early months of nursing twins on no sleep via our blogs. For about 7 months we just exchanged raising twin baby ideas… and then we got the crazy idea to read a book together over the phone because both of us needed bible study and couldn’t manage to go anywhere consistently with our needy babies! Then, her husband Brad (who is a sarcastic nutcase with a really sweet tender side) surprised Julia with a trip out to meet me right before Sedryn came along.
Julia is now one of three very best friends. She’s not afraid to tell me like it is (ouch). She lets me bounce ideas off of her. Julia thinks very differently than I do and it challenges me to understand different viewpoints. I’m honored that she’s willing to walk through this season (and this life) of God-sized dreaming.
Holley also asked us to ‘buddy’ up with a fellow God-sized Dream Team member. I was lucky enough to pick Laurie.
Laurie is a mom of 4 girls, two adopted from foster care. She’s a life coach and her smile is infectious. Since the two of us have just been paired together, I can’t tell you much about her yet. We’re Skyping together on Friday. My palms are sweating just thinking about it, but at the same time I’m super excited to both learn from her God-sized dream journey and encourage her/receive encouragement from her. It’s going to a wild sweet ride.
How about you? Who supports you on your journey?
