Feb
24
2013Confession.
I was once a perfectionist.
I might have scorned anyone who told me that my most beautiful moments are the messy everyday vulnerable stories.
I was sixteen when that wall of perfectionism fell hard and nearly crushed me. A relationship that I had invested everything in had failed. Most of my friends had graduated or moved away that year. I had gained a lot of weight. Taken a lot of antidepressants. I was weak. I was lonely. I felt lost.
I was lost.
Still, I tried to pull myself up. Tried to aim myself at a dream. Any dream: writing, photography, a new relationship, making the Socastee Singers. Really anything that would show the world that I was okay.
I wasn’t okay.
That summer I was invited to a youth camp with a full scholarship. I jumped at the chance to go.
I really don’t remember much at all about the camp. Vague memories. I only had two pairs of shorts that fit. I went canoeing. I participated in my very first ropes course. I didn’t know anyone there almost at all.
But I do remember crying that ugly cry. You know the one? Snot all over your face, loud sobs, mascara trails. And it was at that very moment that I received the most extravagant gift I’ve ever received.
Whoever was up there was telling me that I didn’t have to be perfect. That I was okay right where I was in the center of this mess.
Why? Well, because I was loved. Unconditionally. So unconditionally that my Lover was willing to die for me. In fact, Jesus Christ did die for me. He lived perfectly for me so I could still bring glory to Him in my mess by His grace alone. I didn’t have to be a perfectionist and seek glory for myself. I had a bigger purpose than living just for me.
I still get goosebumps telling this story. Telling you about the best Gift ever. Nothing can top this good news. 🙂
I’m telling you this now for a couple reasons. First, I want you to hear the gospel. The truth that Jesus died for you because he loves you so that you could be free from perfectionism. In fact, he fully intends to use your messes as gifts to others.
The second reason is that my motivation for giving has changed. Before I was a reformed perfectionist, I used to give gifts because I wanted you to love me. Now I give gifts because I am loved and I want to share that joy of being loved with you.
So tomorrow I’m offering you a gift to give to others. I can’t wait for you to open it and share 🙂
Feb
23
2013I relish gift giving. It’s my love language. I hear love this way because of what mama did, but my own gift giving is different.
I study those I love. Study their likes, their dislikes, what makes them laugh, what would make their life easier, and their stories. And when I give a gift it’s an almost perfect match to my perspective on who you are.
Really, I’m a little obsessive.
For instance, I just give my sister this hand embroidered mustache sampler.
This is the pattern link… I didn’t take a picture of her sampler 🙂
I giggled all the way through stitching it while my husband rolled his eyes and my mom gave me the “You’re making her What?!” face. My sister about fell over laughing when she received it and announced that it’s getting a prime location on her gallery wall. I can’t even fully put into words how I knew this would get her so tickled… but I knew.
Or when Karen was going through her miscarriage journey while our church was studying Philippians, I pulled out a random slab of wood in our shed and made her wall art with the following verse because she and her husband were clinging to this verse.
The first gift I ever gave was in 2nd grade. It was a simple note to the shyest girl in my class who was having the hardest time connecting with anyone else. Her name was Erin. So I wrote her a secret pal letter. I kept at it for a few weeks (despite my really scary/mean 2nd grade teacher standing up in front of the class and demanding to be told who wrote it!) until my messenger accidentally shared my name. Erin was welcomed into my rambunctious circle of friends. Perhaps it was just the gift she needed in that season?
I’m not telling you these things in pride. This is just how I love. I study and I gift. But mostly I study until I’m ready to gift 😉 When I finally am confident enough to give you that obsessively sought/made gift, I know that the receiver can feel my love. I know that they feel like I’ve taken the time to understand them and wrap up something that shows my affection. And that fills me with joy.
Tomorrow you can read about the greatest gift I’ve ever received and on Monday I’ll be sharing a gift with you. Why? Because while I haven’t had time to intimately study all of my readers, I’m pretty sure I know something that you’ll be excited to receive… and be able to give away yourself!
But, first, what’s the best gift you’ve ever given? How about the best one you’ve received?
Feb
22
2013I’m about to launch something that is super exciting to me here at Quiet Graces Photography. It involves giving, which is my primary love language. So over the next 4 days, sit tight with me and share a few stories about gifts and the love that gives them.
First up for me, a story about why I love gifts so much, inspired by Lisa Jo’s Five Minute Friday Prompt and my very own mom.
Start.
We didn’t have much at the beginning. But we never lacked. Mum worked late hours while we ate Hamburger Helper in the evening with Grandma. But Mom always brought us little trinkets from the gift shop she managed. Little things that said a simple “I love you,” to two little girls with big dreams.
Mum gifted us toys, and clothing, and handmade dresses. When my parents couldn’t afford gifts for us at Christmas, she gifted us with the humility of putting our names on Angel Tree lists so that we would still have gifts. She may or may not have worn the same jeans for all 10 years that I can remember while she loved and gifted us what she saw fit.
When we were older and finances had leveled, Mum let us pick our own angel tree names. She freely helped any of our friends who were going through hard times. She gifted us concerts and sleep overs and laughter.
In college, Mum gifted me a gas credit card so I could spend my summer earned money on things that I needed and not worry about paying for gas. And bags and bags of quarters so that I could wash my laundry and share with others.
The gifts weren’t what mattered, in fact most of them I can’t even remember, but I do know each gift was wrapped in her love.
Stop.
Feb
10
2013
I did it! I recorded all the ordinary joy filled and messy moments in our home life for the 52 weeks of 2013. There were so many pages that we couldn’t fit this all into one photo book! We’ve printed the first 29 weeks and let me tell you: this mission to have our life in a print form that we can enjoy was totally worth every second! The girls will happily sit and flip through that photo book and hear stories as long as I’m content to tell them. I didn’t always use my big camera (in fact, the post above is mostly Instagram images), but I captured our weekly life in such a raw form.
What I’ve learned most is how much those ordinary everyday moments really mean. That picture of the angel and cow riding the fire truck above will always crack me up. The image in Week 2 of Sedryn sick at the doctors office for the first time. The times where I or Derek are in the photos looking goofy perhaps but really loving life. All of those moments matter to the children. They matter to me. They’re tiny pieces of HIStory, of the grace He gives daily even in the mess.
I’ve also learned how much I just enjoy capturing kids and families just as they are, right in the middle of living out their beautiful messes: tears, joy, dancing, laughter, randomness, and all. Capturing the everyday details we so quickly forget is now a passion. I had the opportunity to do this for a family reunion in late November 2013. Just stalking around mostly unseen (except for the formals) and capturing what was happening. I haven’t recieved permission to blog their session yet! That’s a lot of model releases to track down. I’ll get on that soon because I really want you to see this session! This type of photo-journalistic lifestyle photography just makes passion boil forth in me. Especially when I see clients (or my kiddos) looking at the resulting albums!
Will I be continuing this project into 2013? Lord Willing! Not to this same depth and breadth (I’d like to only print one book a year!). Just a 2-6 pages per month as the events call for. More like a Home-Life Project 12. 😉
Feb
08
2013My clothes they’re all covered with ancient spit up stains, or grease, or wearing thin. Things have yet to fit around my hips shaped rounder by the 3 children who ruin what clothes that do fit. Some days I wonder how long it will be before I walk bare.
Motherhood is like that. This constant sacrifice of time and money and personal space and even unstained clothing to bring the little lives to a fuller life. I need nothing new, but they with their growing limbs spring ankles and tummies and wrists bare through outgrown clothing. And the Lord provides for these little flowers the newer petals.
And yet there’s something in me that wishes to be clothed new. Some sin in me that grows to scorn the 6 year old shirt that still looks good or the 11 year old shoes I’ve resoled once and need to do again. Some quiet covetousness that seeps up from those bare sinful places and claims a place in my heart where they should never be.
I confess and try to lay bare in forgiveness and contentedness.
