Multitude Monday

I didn’t stop much to say “Thank You” this week.  It was a blur of activity and sleeplessness.  I suffered for my discontent later in the week as the ongoing trial of sleep deprivation continued. 

Oh, Lord, help me to count the moments as good graces that you give!

Counting 2120-2128 of the Quiet Gifts He Gives Each Day

• Seeing a humming bird up close with Bronwyn
• 2 nights of consequetive sleep
• Waterpark fun with the UMoMmies
• Snuggling Aeralind on a tube in the lazy river
• Bronwyn doing the same with daddy
• The girls asking to play dress up
• Hysterical girl chosen outfits
• Derek’s patience with me
• The Lord’s patience and kindness to me

I’m not a very visual person.
I think in words more often than not.
But sometimes an image will just stick and either inspire or haunt.

I have a haunting image stuck in my head from two nights ago.

We’ve really been struggling with sleep for about the past 9 days.  Some nights they take 2 hours to fall asleep.  Some nights they wake 2 hours before I want them up.  Some nights they’re up for 2-4 hours in the middle of the night.  Monday night was one of those nights.  Someone was howling from about 10pm until 1am.

Mainly the issue is Bronwyn though often Aeralind will piggyback on her drama.

Bronwyn is a determined little critter.  She will figure things out.  She will risk her life and limb to jump into the pool face first.  She will throw temper tantrums when we say no (even if we don’t see her.  Seriously, I caught her lying by the kitchen door miserable for 5 minutes after Derek walked out one day apparently telling her she couldn’t come with him).  She will test authority.  She wants to know that your “no” is really no.  She will make the better portion of 8 nights miserable because mommy decides that it’s time to get rid of the paci.  It’s not even about the pacifier at this point.  It’s about staying awake because she thinks she can.

Monday night I had enough.  I was exhausted.  I’m pregnant.  I just wanted sleep.  And, by golly, nothing would satisfy that child!  I fiercely laid her down in her crib, wrapped her blanket around her, shoved her stuffed animal under her arm, and told her “NO WHINING!”

And I crushed her little spirit.  I saw the look in her eyes.  The hurt.  I watched her little lip draw tight and tremble.  And I left the room before more damage was done.

She continued her tirade for about 3 hours after that moment.

I was wrong.  My attitude was wrong.  My anger was wrong.  My tone of voice was wrong. Yes, she’s a strong-willed child.  I need to break her will, but I can’t crush her spirit in the meantime.  Her strong-willed spirit makes her beautiful, especially when it’s used to discover and preserver through difficult things.

I’m not sure how these thoughts are supposed to lead into my gratitude post, but I wanted to share them here.  To be real.

Counting 2091-2119 of the Completely Undeserved Gifts Christ Gives Me Each Day

• Girls demanding to try on their not quite finished “burd” dresses
• Bronwyn obediently pulling Aeralind’s thumb out of her mouth and the ensuing smiles
• Super excited “Yay!” and clapping when the girls accomplish something they this is difficult
• Lapful of snuggly babies
• 10 scattered buttons all found and applied to bird dresses
• Joy at the fountains

• Children who were breathing at 4-6 am- even if they were scream/whining
• Sweet surrendered prayer time at 5am
• All finally drifting to sleep in exhaustion
• No working pacifier distributed despite temptation
• vocabulary explosions
• being handed a toy and told “tank oo” a million times a day
• sweet visit with my sister in law and her husband
• Filling their trunk with hand-me-down goodies for theri little girl coming soon
• Taking maternity images

• Guest sleeping through crazy whiny night wakings
• Playing hard in the pool
• Bronwyn diving into the pool steps face first over and over
• Splashes with Aeralind
• Support from Nana as we struggle through sleep issues
• 2 full nights of sleep at least in the past 9
• Conviction about my anger and speech
• Reading The Strong-Willed Child
• More conviction
• Unexpectedly yummy diner
• A playdate/meeting where I could talk to grown ups and where girls who were overtired could stay awake
• This being the one UMOM meeting I could have missed in exchage for lseep
• Someone to watch the girls whil I wait out my glucose test
• Sister laughter on the couch together

Yesterday morning, the girls and I baked muffins.  I’ve let them knead dough before, but other than that this was their first experience in the kitchen.

About 1/3 of the way through the recipe, I had to go get the camera!

We look back at our own childhood or watch children and we long to do that all over again.

Maybe we can.
Maybe the secret to childhood isn’t innocent youth.
Maybe the secret to childhood is delighted joy taken in every moment.

The secret is seeing the wonder and breathing thanks.

Counting Gifts to be Thankful for #2071-2090

• Seeing Julia’s signature duct tape wrapped around a box at my breakfast spot.
• Sweet babies who let sick me lay on a mattress downstairs while they play contentedly
• Bronwyn’s new raised eyebrow face of delight!
• Cheery season- so short and full of yummy joy!
• Daily obsession with my canned goods.  The girls take them out, stack them, put them in their pool, and the put them back up.
• Rock Star Hair

• 15 minute appointment at the Minute Clinic confirming I had an ear infection
• Me finally sleeping through the night after the girls have been doing it for 3 nights
• Significantly less ear pain/dizziness first thing in the morning
• Yogurt making in my crock pot
• Snack time
• Current kitchen paint related projects coming to a close (I promise.. photos by mid-August)
• Squealy girls pulling down my pants by the belt loops
• Waking up at 11 am to find no babies or husband in the house
• Daddy taking the girls hiking and birding all by himself
• Lunch together
• Clean kitchen floor
• Baking muffins with toddlers
• Pure delight in dumping their measuring cups of ingredients in the bowl
• Girls stealing cooling muffins to sample while mom and dad weren’t looking

I’ve dropped off the planet for about a week now.

Sick and sleepless babies are their own sort of time warp.

Especially the sleeplessness.
Days melt into the next.
Timelessness ensues.

I’m not going to make myself look pretty here: I’m not good at sleeplessness, selflessness, or humility.

I think I deserve to have things my way all the time.

We’ll call this sinfulness. Or just plain old pride.

In any case, when my little banshees cherubs wake howling at 5 am (after waking at 10, 11:30, 1, and 3) my first thoughts are not concern about their well-being.  My first thought on a good night (i.e. the first in a string of bad nights or the fluke night) is “How long, oh Lord!”  A typical night’s first thought is: “Why can’t that little {insert derogatory word of choice}just stay asleep already!”

Between cutting teeth and this crazy bout with RSV, I’ve had 2 blissful uninterrupted nights of sleep and two nights where I totaled over 5 consecutive sleep hours in the last month.

I’m not telling you this for your pity (believe me, I’ve thrown enough pity parties). I’m telling you so you access the seriousness of my sleep deprivatiion levels and mental state.

It’s been legitimately rough around here if you’re an 8 hour of sleep lover (covet-er, worshiper, oh my depravity!)

But God (shivers).

He send 3 nights without a working air conditioning and daytime temperatures rising into the 100s while babies are dealing with RSV and both mommy and daddy are down with the cold symptoms/fever of adult RSV.  The last 2 nights the girls and I spend sleeping at the homes of godly women whose conversation makes me feel sane.  They both know how to be real.

He sends a new friend pregnant with twins on full bedrest for an entire month now who has the most incredible grace-filled attitude.  Did I mention she has a toddler too?

He sends laughter in the form of a fellow pregnant friend asking those hysterical TMI (too much information) question that only a fellow pregnant friend could come up with.

He sends a tiny toddler solemnly promising with enthusiasm to sleep through the night that night after our two nights away from home.  A toddler who, except for one startled, waking kept that promise.

He allows the hard stuff to come, but he serves up heaps of blessings (sometimes unnoticed) alongside.

This counting His blessings changes things.

It might not change my hearts propensity to selfishness/sinfulness, but it changes perspective, shifts focus.

And softens my stubborn heart to gestate truth.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice….But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now that you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned before, but you lacked opportunity.  Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.   Philippians 4:4,10-14

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  James 1:2-4

Counting Gifts #2047-2070

• Previously purchased Moleskin for when wild toddler twins run off with my original gratitude journal and I still can’t find it weeks later.
• Kitchen walls painted
• Extra pain from the second can used to add color to the entryway.
• Only 2 rooms and one bath not yet touched by paint and my hand.  The house is starting to feel like my home.
• 2 8 hour nights of sleep between Aeralinds last tooth and the start of Bronwyn’s bout with RSV
• Aeralind waiting to come down with it until after B was on the mend- even though sleep deprivation is prolonged. 30 minutes of twin nebulizing in the middle of the night is not fun, but 15 for one baby for 7-10 days is manageable.
• Not catching it myself until Saturday
• being well enough Sunday to work at Furman
• Friends I can call at 10pm and ask to sleep in their air conditioning after our heat pump goes down
• Derek getting a full night’s sleep while the we slept at Ruthie’s before the fever finally hit him.
• Cool baths and showers whenever needed
• Pool time to cool off
• Nana’s farm to stay at one night and day.
• Story and sharing with Nana
• Long baby naps
• Sparkle coming back in my girls eyes
• Babies eating well again for the first time in 7 days.
• Aerie girl feeling well enough to dump her dinner bowl on the floor in pure spite
• Farm fress eggs boiling in a pot
• Busy girls
• Girls so hungry (finally) that they begged bagel off of me after they had eaten a full breakfast
• Little helpers
• A general spirit of sweet obedience
• Goosebumps from being cold!!

I’ve had a pretty rotten weekend overall.  Derek and I were constantly bickering or I was just crying because I couldn’t cope with anything.  I’m pregnant and fighting a cold or allergies… and nothing was going the way I thought it should.

Now we’re back to the humility thing, maybe even coupled with the perfectionism thing.

Long story short: this weekend became all about me.

And the truth is: It’s not all about me.

And it never will be.

So then I get hit in between the eyes with this sermon.

Ouch.  Seriously.  Go listen.

Shut it and Live it.

Not two hours later we’re already bickering again.  Over not getting our own ways.

Oh, Lord Jesus, give us that empowering grace to be hearers that do.

All I can do is say thank you for what happens… and let go of my own grand scheme.  It’s not about me.
Counting #2024-2046 of the gifts He keeps giving me… often unexpectedly.

• First bowls of cereal
• yummy chocolate mousse out with UMOMs
• Barely enough drop cloth to finish the chair slipcover
• Summer session of Ladies bible study
• Play date at amber’s
• Laughing as Aeralind shoved 4 older kiddos out of an overcrowded playhouse so she could play with her sister and the youngest boy
• Hangin out with Becca
• Watching truck movies with Brady and the girls
• Becca giving me a long overdue haircut (I’m luck if it gets cut twice a year!)
• Long naps
• Playing with Aeralind on our date day
• Laughing as a move to throw herself down in a tantrum was thought better of at the last second as Aeralind instead decided to meow and crawl and pretend to be a kitty.  In the middle of the mall no less!
• Splashing in a new toddler pool
• Aeraling going poop in the potty-  We might just get it yet!
• Bronwyn’s surprised face as we joined her and daddy for lunch
• watching the girls play in the mud and throw rocks on our Father’s day hike
• the girls having the best day ever
• My dad teaching me to both preserver and not to be afraid to try something new
• seeing the girls play with Sullivan 
• Meeting Jessica finally after stalking each other’s blogs for over a year and living less than 40 minutes apart!
• Forgiveness.
• Empowering Grace.
• Constant Bronwyn snuggles or kisses everyday this last week.