Nov
09
2011My sister asked the above profound question. She doesn’t know the Lord Jesus. It was referenced toward a family we know where the couple seems miserable.
Apologetics aren’t my strong suit. I think I answered her incompletely. I figured I’d give it a second try and with more time for the thoughts to brew.
Sweet sister of mine, marriage is hard. When two selfish people move into the same space with all their expectations of what married life is going to be like… it’s a recipe for disaster.
In a way, it’s like siblings who share a room. At some point when nothing is going your way and you’re angry at your sister for talking on the phone for hours when you have a major test the next day and are so tired: you’re going to walk over and beat your sister on the head with the blasted telephone. (not that I would know anything about something like that…)
The difference with siblings is that we already sort of know each others personality and know how their going to react because we’ve lived with them since the younger one’s birth. That gives us the advantage at intentionally pushing each others buttons… but it also gives us the advantage of knowing how to avoid accidentally pushing those buttons.
In marriage, we don’t know those expectations. Some of them are silly. Derek expected me to rinse my toothpaste spit out of the sink with water when we got married. That was something that wasn’t expected of us when we were growing up, so I didn’t know to do it. We actually fought about toothpaste spit! I learned to clean up my mess because it bothered him; he learned that it was silly to expect me to clean up without telling me about that expectation.
So therein lies the problem: two selfish people who don’t know every expectation that their spouse has move under the same roof and sin in anger. That is what creates misery in marriage: selfish expectations. I think that’s probably the issue with the couple we talked about.
Miserable Christians like our example family are probably staying married because of expectations. Expectations from family and friends to stay married. Expectations and rules from the Bible to stay married. Expectations and fear of failure.
But that is not how Christian marriage should be.
You see, if we’re truly walking with the Spirit, then we should be dying to ourselves. Dying to our selfish expectations and learning to serve our spouses.
Remember when you were here, sweet sister, and I got so angry at Bronwyn while I was making dinner. I can’t even remember what she was doing. But I do remember that I was hungry and that I expected her to stay out of my way so I could satisfy my hunger. You know what happened after I yelled at her and you removed her from the room? The Spirit convicted me of my selfish sin. He pointed out that I had mistreated her and that I was failing to love and serve her because I wanted what I wanted now (food). I still remember apologizing to Bronwyn for my sin in your presence.
That above process is what makes Christians who love Jesus and are dying to ourselves daily, stay married. It’s called Sanctification: the process of being made to be more like Jesus. It’s hard. It’s humbling. It’s not commonly felt, seen, or practiced. And it’s especially hard to see since so many ‘Christians’ are simply following a set of rules/expectations rather than pursuing loving Jesus and others in every possible way.
Does that help you understand? I’m not trying to judge our question provoking couple, but I would say that they haven’t reached this place of humbling themselves to love their spouse on a daily basis despite their own selfish expectations. And I think that’s sad, because there’s a sweet joy found in humbling yourself within marriage that isn’t found anywhere else in life.
Aug
16
2011Going from a couple to a family with two crazy newborns is an incredibly stressful event. Not to mention the chaos that the twins produce only gradually slows down over the course of the first year. I wrote this article for my local Moms of Multiples club and thought it was high time to share it here!
Derek and I by no means have a perfect marriage. There’s always a rough spot, but in the early days (months) I think these 7 things saved our marriage from real trouble. Actually… some of them we need to get back into doing more often! I hope they’ll help you out too.
7 Things you can do to Protect your Marriage
Value your Marriage above your Multiples.
Caring for multiples (or any children) can be all consuming, especially for the wife. The temptation to pour your life into these babies can force your marriage to the back burner. Your babies will be in your home for about 18 years, that’s a short time that we need to utilize. However, your marriage could last beyond those 18 years if you invest as much in it as you invest in your kiddos. And as an added bonus, kids raised in families where the relationship between mom and dad is obviously valued feel more secure.
Caring for multiples (or any children) can be all consuming, especially for the wife. The temptation to pour your life into these babies can force your marriage to the back burner. Your babies will be in your home for about 18 years, that’s a short time that we need to utilize. However, your marriage could last beyond those 18 years if you invest as much in it as you invest in your kiddos. And as an added bonus, kids raised in families where the relationship between mom and dad is obviously valued feel more secure.
Make Date Night (or Morning) a Priority.
In those early months after the multiples arrive, we’re tempted to just go to bed early and neglect everything else. But a marriage is too important to neglect. Date night can be simple and inexpensive. Some examples:
a. While your mom or mother in law visits and sleeps in and the babies are back in bed after an early morning feeding, sneak out to Starbucks or IHOP.
b. Turn off the TV and play a game (cards, Scrabble, Sorry, even Candy Land). You’ll be surprised how great the conversation can be.
c. Snuggle up together on the couch and watch NCIS (or your favorite show).
d. Spend first nap on Saturday morning cooking up 4 large meals (one casserole in the oven, one in the crock pot, one pot of soup, and something for dinner that night). This gives you some time to talk and hang out as well takes care of the age old question “What’s for dinner?” You’ll also have extra energy in the evenings because you can just defrost and heat dinner.
3.
Extend Mercy.
When he makes a comment that gets under your skin, try to look at it from his point of view before letting your feelings get hurt. You’re both exhausted from night feedings and hypersensitive. Give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Extend Mercy.
When he makes a comment that gets under your skin, try to look at it from his point of view before letting your feelings get hurt. You’re both exhausted from night feedings and hypersensitive. Give each other the benefit of the doubt.
4.
Schedule Sex.
Let’s face it: women aren’t very interested in sex after the babies arrive, at least for a season. It’s so hard to turn around from tired mom who didn’t even get a chance to shower that day to sexy vixen in the bedroom that night. Scheduling sex might not seem romantic, but it’s incredibly freeing for both husband and wife. He knows that he has something to look forward to and might even surprise you by being extra helpful on sex night or throughout the week (does the dishes without being asked so you can get a shower, etc.). You’ll be able to mentally shift from mom to vixen and plan to get that shower at least one day a week. And even if you both fall asleep before you’ve finished, your marriage will benefit. 😉
Schedule Sex.
Let’s face it: women aren’t very interested in sex after the babies arrive, at least for a season. It’s so hard to turn around from tired mom who didn’t even get a chance to shower that day to sexy vixen in the bedroom that night. Scheduling sex might not seem romantic, but it’s incredibly freeing for both husband and wife. He knows that he has something to look forward to and might even surprise you by being extra helpful on sex night or throughout the week (does the dishes without being asked so you can get a shower, etc.). You’ll be able to mentally shift from mom to vixen and plan to get that shower at least one day a week. And even if you both fall asleep before you’ve finished, your marriage will benefit. 😉
5.
Don’t be a control freak.
You’ve been bathing the kiddos the same way for 3 months and hubby walks in to relieve you from the chore. He forgets to wash behind their ears, puts them in a daytime diaper instead of the nighttime variety, and accidently puts your boy in his twin sisters’ PJs. Or he tidies up the play room and you can’t find anything for days. As mom’s we’re tempted to think that our way is best. We try to train our husbands to do what we do exactly the way we do it. And every time we say, “Honey, haven’t I told you before that you need to…” He feels disrespected. He feels like you don’t appreciate what he’s trying to do. Give dad the freedom to develop his own way of doing things and thank him for doing it. I promise he’ll help out more and you’ll be less stressed out.
Don’t be a control freak.
You’ve been bathing the kiddos the same way for 3 months and hubby walks in to relieve you from the chore. He forgets to wash behind their ears, puts them in a daytime diaper instead of the nighttime variety, and accidently puts your boy in his twin sisters’ PJs. Or he tidies up the play room and you can’t find anything for days. As mom’s we’re tempted to think that our way is best. We try to train our husbands to do what we do exactly the way we do it. And every time we say, “Honey, haven’t I told you before that you need to…” He feels disrespected. He feels like you don’t appreciate what he’s trying to do. Give dad the freedom to develop his own way of doing things and thank him for doing it. I promise he’ll help out more and you’ll be less stressed out.
6.
Touch one another each day.
Hug each other. Kiss good-bye. Snuggle in bed. Touch is so powerful: you know this from picking up the baby that instantly stops screaming. It’s the same with spouses. Loving touch changes perspective.
Touch one another each day.
Hug each other. Kiss good-bye. Snuggle in bed. Touch is so powerful: you know this from picking up the baby that instantly stops screaming. It’s the same with spouses. Loving touch changes perspective.
7.
Say Thank You.
Gratitude is powerful. When your husband gets up and does a night feeding without you, when he takes out the garbage before you ask, when he goes to work at a job he hates everyday to support you, when he calls you beautiful even with your crazy postpartum body, simply say thank you. Gratitude not only encourages and affirms your spouse, but it also changes your own perspective. It’s impossible to feel anger or fear at the same time as expressing gratitude. So when he drowns your Cactus Garden, say “Thank you for noticing my plants needed watering.” Your anger level will reduce. After all most of what we fight over is just stuff, it’s not that important. But bolstering your husbands’ heart is that important.
Say Thank You.
Gratitude is powerful. When your husband gets up and does a night feeding without you, when he takes out the garbage before you ask, when he goes to work at a job he hates everyday to support you, when he calls you beautiful even with your crazy postpartum body, simply say thank you. Gratitude not only encourages and affirms your spouse, but it also changes your own perspective. It’s impossible to feel anger or fear at the same time as expressing gratitude. So when he drowns your Cactus Garden, say “Thank you for noticing my plants needed watering.” Your anger level will reduce. After all most of what we fight over is just stuff, it’s not that important. But bolstering your husbands’ heart is that important.
May
13
2010
My Dearest Derek,
4 years ago today I kissed you barefoot in a park wearing a white dress and promised that I’d be yours no matter what. I’m pretty sure I never made a better promise 🙂
Everyday you make me laugh.
Everyday you crawl back in be to snuggle me close and whisper “I love you” a bazillion times (even when I brush you off in busy-ness).
Everyday you sing silly songs.
Everyday you shake your head at me as I do something crazy.
Everyday you say “Gosh! You look hot in that!” and really mean it (even if I haven’t gotten out of my pjs!).
Everyday you play my crazy nose flicking game…and sometimes you let me win :-p
Everyday you listen to me talk or whine or vent or be quiet.
Everyday you pray for me.
I never would have imagined all that God had in store for us for year ago on this evening.
… the unemployed summer
… the melon garden in TR
… the loss of two cats
… the hikes
… the failures
… the fights
… the chili so hot it turned our faces red
… the homemade ice cream
… the Rummy game that has a score well into the 30,000s
… the tough jobs
… the purchase of this house
… the twin pregnancy
… the tight finances
… the sleepless nights
… the constant battle against pink
… the tears
This year of our marriage started the day before we found out we were having two girls. You grew so much as you waited on God’s provision each month (and some months it was sooo close) even though you were terrified that you’d be unable to provide for three women. You spent half the summer lugging my huge self around the neighborhood pool so that I could feel weightless for just a little while. You laughed at me teasingly as I tried to hoist myself out of bed. I will never forget how you tenderly prayed for me before they wheeled me into the OR for my spinal. Or the look on your face as you held both of our daughters.
I never would have made it through the sleeplessness if you had not lovingly sent me to bed each evening while you watched the girls or taken the girls downstairs most mornings for “loud music” time with daddy. I never would have been successful at breastfeeding if you had not willingly got up with me at the beginning to feed a baby while I fed the other baby and pumped. Or if you had not retrieved both babies and gently placed them on the nursing pillow in the later days. Your support is vital to me; I couldn’t do this without you.
I love watching your relationship with the girls grow. They adore you! From your tummy raspberries that have them in stitches, to sitting on your desk playing computer games, to feeding them supper, and praying with them at night they can’t get enough of you. You love them so much it hurts (and it will hurt some unsuspecting you suitor if you follow your defense plan).
I love you so much, Derek. I can’t wait to see where year 5 will take us. Thank for loving us and providing for us in such a self-sacrificing way.
Sep
25
2009I’ve been somewhat fretting over what I should do for my 100th post for the past week now. I mean, this is quite the blog milestone right?! Fortunately, Sarah over at Kingdom Twindom just solved my dilemma by encouraging us to share our “I love my husband because…” lists. So here goes!
I love my absolutely amazing husband Derek because…
- he loves to snuggle with me every chance he gets.
- his kisses are so tender.
- his writes me silly poetry.
- we spend hours emailing one another back and forth while he’s at work.
- he only sings at one volume: LOUD (despite his “bad voice”).
- he makes me laugh uncontrollably when he spins me multiple times English Country Dancing.
- he’s so handsome in breeches that teenage girls stalk him for a picture with him at our performances.
- he works hard to support me and has never had any expectation that I should work too (though I enjoy the work I do!)
- he make GORGEOUS baby girls.
- he changes diapers without complaint and laughs when he gets pooped on.
- he tell me (and the girls) silly made up stories with dragons, knights, and princesses.
- most of the time, he tells me the silly stories in the middle of the night when I wake up from a bad dream.
- he has burped an invisible baby girl in his sleep and practically pushed me off a spot in the bed where he thought Aeralind was lying while he was asleep.
- he calls me just about everyday at 5:30 on the dot to let me know that he is super excited to be coming home to his girls.
- he gives me this proud wink-like look when he succeeds in burping a baby that I couldn’t get to burp.
- he has the most amazing eyelashes and tolerates me stroking them. (I know, I’m weird.)
- he has a play list of songs he wants to sing to the girls including More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz (sob sob!).
- he sings the same song to me.
- he is so tender and gentle with Aeralind and Bronwyn
- he tells me he loves me a billion times a day.
- he loves Jesus with fearless abandon!
