Jun
12
2013I wrote last week about grace. About how much we are loved despite all our complete and utter failings.
This week, I’ve sat down three times to begin this post that I’ve been living with over the last month and I am broken. I want to cry.
The baby is all snotty. The toddler girls (are almost 4 year olds still toddlers?) are going through a phase of disobedience, whining, and disrespect that requires almost constant discipline. My husband and I skipped date night talks in favor of playing a video game and almost seem like teammates just trying to clean up the messes of 3 kids three and under. Oh, and my in-laws are visiting. And I just want to withdrawal.
Do you know who I have the hardest time giving grace to?
Me.
“I should know how to speak love to my husband. I’ve been married for 7 years now. I should get this. I should have grown.” I repeat over and over in my head.
I have a problem with pride and self-righteousness as you can clearly see. I’m also strong-willed. Mix that in a wife together and you have the perfect recipe for words that wound or defend more than words that build up a husband.
At the start of this month, I read a lot of scripture on words and using them wisely. I began a post outlining my plan to memorize some scripture, pray about timing rather than just confront an issue immediately, and daily seek to speak in a way that builds up my husband. Obviously, that’s not the post you’re reading.
Because that plan was not God’s plan for this month of learning to love my husband with my words. God used that scripture to prepare my heart as over and over and over again I failed. I was snarky or impatient or demanding or confronted an issue in a way that put him on the defensive. I built him up with words at most once a day. And most of those were simple, “Thank you for….” Actually, when I share this post with my husband prior to sharing with you, I’m pretty sure he’ll say “I didn’t know you were training to speak words of grace.”
Ladies, I failed and my first reaction is to quit. But you see, God wanted me in this place of already wanting to quit. Only when I am in a place of weakness can I rely on grace. Pride negates grace. (<—-Click to Tweet!) If I can do it on my own, then I don’t need Jesus.
Oh, what I’ve learned most this month is that I desperately need Jesus. I need Jesus to stay my tongue when Derek disappoints me. I need Jesus to whisper when to confront sin in my husband’s life and when to wait on Jesus to work first. I need Jesus to enable me to find areas to build my husband up with my words. I need Jesus to snuggle that snotty 1 year old when he really ought to be napping. I need Jesus to motivate me to face toddler discipline issues with consistency and grace (just like Jesus deals with me when I fail and sin and spend years learning the same thing).
I’ll likely be writing on words again next month, as Jesus continues to work in my heart now that I have admitted that I can’t do this on my own. And now that Derek knows the first way I’m seeking to love him more, I hope he’ll feel more able to hold me accountable and say: “Those words hurt and this is why.” or “These words built me up. Thank you.”
So tell me, sisters, what area of your marriage do you need Jesus and His grace to wash over the most? And how can you and I approach these areas in weakness, depending solely on His amazing grace rather than our own capability?
Jun
05
2013Sisters, I don’t want to start Construction School without making one thing very loud and clear about our motivation here.
No matter how hard we work, we will never be “good enough” as wives.
I’m not sure how you’re reacting to that statement. But I can imagine a range of responses like:
- I’m going to prove you wrong. I will be good enough. Watch me work. (pride, self-righteousness)
- I already knew this was pointless. Our marriage will never change. (hopelessness)
- I’m a failure before I start. This is so typical. (guilt, condemnation)
- Yes! This is so true. (gospel)
Only when we turn to Christ is their any hope for our marriages whatsoever.
If our motivation for building our marriages is anything other than our Savior’s love for us, than we have failed before we began. Your motivation might look great from the outside: “I want the world to see what a God-honoring marriage looks like.” Or it could be less noble: “I just want him to pick up his socks and put them in the hamper,” or “I want to feel loved.”
But the only person in the world who will fulfill all our desires is not our husband; it’s Jesus Christ. <— Click to Tweet
The God who became man, lived a perfect life because you (and I!) could not, walked willing to a death that you deserved, and rose again so that you will never walk alone is the only one who can fulfill all our desires. He is the only one who loves us perfectly. And the good news is that you don’t have to do anything to make Him love you other than believe in His sacrifice for your sake and glory in His love.
We shouldn’t be motivated to build our marriages by pride, guilt, condemnation, a desire to do right, or perfectionism. Those motivations will all land us in the same place: trusting in ourselves or despairing.
The only motivation that can truly spur us to love our husbands is the love of Christ.
When we truly know how much God loves us despite every wrong thing we’ve ever done, when we understand that because of the work of Jesus Christ at the cross God sees us as if we have never done anything wrong, and when we feel that the Holy Spirit will always walk with us, encouraging and empowering us with the love of God, then that understanding of His love overflows into how we love others. Because He loves us, our hearts toward our husbands can be changed. And when our inevitable moment of failure comes, we can run to the cross and then to our husbands with an apology.
So, sisters, let’s check our hearts before we begin this series. Let’s preach each other the gospel in the comments. And let us not be proud of our own accomplishments or defeated by our own failures. The team writing these posts is putting in hours of research, prayer, work, and mostly failure, but know that each of us are falling on our face each day in joy for the love of our heavenly Father who sent His Son to die a death we deserved because He loves us so much.
May
29
2013I glimpse the mess again as I glance through the window.
How the pole had just come crashing down moments after we’d hung all the clothes. Dry rot sent the whole mess tumbling down.
Dry rot.
Julia and I, we had talked long about dry rot when she was here.
We had used a different name: bitterness.
About how the bitterness seizes you and grows silently within. And then the hollowness, the lack of affection, the truth-less thoughts suddenly take you all by surprise.
And a marriage can tumble down when just one more thing happens, like that last wet and heavy dress hung there on the line. (<– Click to Tweet) That hollow dry rotting core brings the whole thing down. Everything just snapping.
The wisest of women builds her own house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. Proverbs 14:1
I don’t pretend to know how to build my own house: my marriage and my children. I’m good at snapping. At watching everything fall there on the ground, dirty and half wet. I know how to tear a house down and I can do that naturally and immediately.
But I have learned one thing from that fallen clothesline:
It’s the cross that keeps standing. The cross that everything hangs on. If I can just cling to the cross and train for His calling, then I can learn to build my own house.
Construction School for Wives
How do we build up our houses rather than tear them down?
For the past year this post has sat in my drafts folder waiting for me to obey God. My courage is weak, but His power will be seen through that weakness. So I’m submitting to Him and I don’t know where it will lead.
Four other women have joined me to commit to soaking in the word of God on a topic that is a struggle for us in our marriage, training to build up our husbands and marriage in that area for a month, and then writing on the experience for you each Wednesday. Our hope is that God will transform our marriages and yours through our transparency into doors and windows to the Gospel. But mostly, I suspect that He will change our own hearts to be more like his.
Meet the Team of Writers
Let me introduce the ladies who will be joining me here at Quiet Graces for this series.
Elizabeth
Wife to Bob. Mom of 3. A sweet Pennsylvanian encourager who I met through Holley Gerth’s God Sized Dream Team. I noticed her because Sedryn and her boy Adam were totally rocking the same blond curly hairdo. 🙂 Elizabeth is a professional writer and also creates art prints with scripture on them. She’s currently writing an incredible series on how creativity occurs in the most unlikely point of our lives: motherhood. Spark Mom is the series title.
What you’re going to appreciate most about Elizabeth is her ability to share her failures in a way that makes you feel normal. As we’ve been working away on this series over the last month, Elizabeth was always the one to quickly admit that she was struggling too.
Elizabeth is most likely the only one in this group of ladies who can do a headstand while looking so ridiculously relaxed (she might be the only one of us who can do a headstand).
Danielle
Wife to Adam. Mom of 4 under 6. Danielle does not currently blog, but feels a tug on her heart telling her that He may be calling in that direction. She’s scared out of her mind over writing for this series. Danielle is a dear real life friend who I’ve only come to know very well in the past 4 months. We’ve bonded over the tears of desperate introverted moms who just want a few minutes of peace yet are being refined by the little people in our house. It’s almost painful to see the amount of sin these little people drag up from our hearts!
What you’re going to appreciate most about Danielle is her honest struggle against perfectionism. She grew up in a home where appearances were more important than the heart (I think many of us can relate in one way or the other), and I feel like she’s learning to give herself grace for being a human who fails. Ah, but walking with her as she learns this lesson is so encouraging to me when I find myself struggling through the same thing.
Danielle lives in a small house and disappears into the bathroom for good cries, good prayer times, and just a moment of peace (like most moms I know).
Sarah
Wife to Lee. Mom of 1 sweet girl named Emma who has fought a long journey growing from severely autistic to low spectrum autism in her 7 years. Sarah was a crazy ring leader in my college dorm and my chaplain at one point. We used to run together when we got stressed (I hate running… so let me tell you that was all love). Sarah has a really unique perspective for this series because she has struggled through a heart wrenching biblical divorce with her first husband.
What you’re going to love most about Sarah is how she values her Savior’s love. He was there for her through some difficult years filled with abandonment and sorrow but has now learned God fills all crevices of a broken heart and that there’s a season for everything and that relationship always inspires me to seek Him more.
Sarah secretly would like to would like to climb to the highest mountain and be completely transparent but she’s a little scared about what some of us would think.
Julia
Wife to the hysterical Brad. Mom of 3 girls 3 and under. Julia and I met through blogging our journeys with baby twins. I felt called to encourage her and that encouragement led to some partnering on our blogs: most notably our True Beauty Series. Which lead to us reading Sacred Sex together. A year and a half after our relationship began, Julia’s husband surprised her with a week visit with me. We moved from screen friends to in real life friends. I’m blessed to know her.
What you’re going to love most about Julia is her sense of humor coupled with the truths she’s learning. She’ll be the first to admit that she can’t even manage to weed her gorgeous and humongous garden during this season of her life, but her learning of her limitations is teaching her that she is enough in Christ. And that’s a perspective we all need.
I’ll nominate Julia for the one mostly likely in this group to have both hand sanitizer, baby wipes, diaper cream, and fabulously stylish sunglasses on her person at all times.
Will you Join as We Train to Build our Marriages?
A little construction school for wives? Cling with me to the cross?
We’d love to hear your thoughts on this series. Has your marriage experienced seasons of dry rotting bitterness? Do you find it more natural to tear down your house than to build it up? What area do you feel like you need God to do the most transforming work in your marriage?
List of Posts in this Series
- Because He Love Me by Melissa Aldrich
- On Words and Weakness by Melissa Aldrich
- In the Dirt Serving by Elizabeth Anne
- Learning to Trust God and My Man by Danielle
- Showing Unconditional Love by Sarah
- The Intentional Marriage Bed by Julia
- Words and Anger: What it all Boils Down to by Melissa Aldrich
- The Great Deck Sit by Elizabeth Anne
Apr
30
2013
Dear Derek,
I know you don’t often think of yourself as a God-sized dreamer. I know you struggle with fear of inadequacy.
But remember the definition of a God-sized dream is: desiring more of what God has for you.
Derek, God has so much for you. A job. Three beautiful children. Not to mention a ridiculously quirky wife.
And he’s gifted you with a unique skill set. Hands that like fine work. A mind that “speaks geek”. A heart that loves to pray. And he’s made you a protective landing place for the 4 under your care.
Here’s what I want you to hear most: I will follow you in your dreams and I am blessed to call you mine.
So, sweet husband of mine, solider forward in the full Armor of God. I’ll be right behind you both shielded by your strength and encouraging you to keep at it (because He’s worth it).
Love you more than bacon loves ice cream,
Melissa
(I couldn’t think of a better person to write to when Holley’s prompt was to write a letter to another dreamer in my life.)
Aug
29
2012I’m sneaking in a Tuesday night blog post because I’ve missed a pretty important milestone for us recently with all the chaos of the last few weeks.
10 Years ago on August 19th, Derek walked up to a bench at North Greenville College and said “Hi.” to a quiet introvert freshman who was slightly ticked that her film camera had just locked up due to her dorm being so uncomfortably cold and, therefore, had missed a beautiful sunset shot. I was writing in my prayer journal and I really didn’t want to be bothered. When I looked up, I panicked a bit since with his gigantic glasses, he looked a bit like someone I had once known and didn’t want to see at my new college. Even though I was pretty cranky, I tried to be polite and gave him the chance to talk a little.
Derek had serious jet lag (he’d only be back from Australia for a little bit of time) and was very talkative. When I say very talkative, I mean I didn’t get rid of him for 3 hours :-p I don’t remember a whole lot about those conversations. I think I talked about Olivia and Sue and The Little Prince. And I remember telling him when I was ready for bed that I liked him. And I remember that he cried when I said that (jet lag, folks… j-e-t l-a-g).
The next day, I needed to learn how to go to Wal-mart. He picked me up in his Ford blaring D.C. Talk (totally not the type of music you expect a gigantic glasses nerd to be blaring), and drove me over what I thought was a cliff (but was really just a side road that went sharply downhill).
It definitely wasn’t love at first sight (at least on my side), but Derek won me over with his corny jokes, ready laugh, and soft sharing of his heart.
I’m still pretty lucky that he said “Hi.”
