Apr
29
2013On the seventh day, God rested.
Sometimes I forget that I’m not better than God and I just keep on working and doing and planning and…and…
This streak usually ends poorly with me crying after an angry outburst that really boils down to me feeling overwhelmed.
(I may or may not have had such an ugly outburst on Monday.)
I don’t like to rest. Because in resting, I have to wait on God.
But I’m learning to rest. Learning to step away from the computer and its hounding me to write or edit. Learning to take knitting needles out to the lawn and create amid preschool laughter. Learning to sew during nap time on somedays even though I know it’s my best hours for writing or editing. I’m learning that chatting with friends idly on Tuesday night (when we’re supposed to be discussing a book) or having Facetime with Julia is often more important than whatever was on my to do list.
God gives me these things as gifts. Rest is a gift whether with a friend or with hands that create or even taking an extra long shower.
And gifts are to be opened with surprise and simply enjoyed. I know that. I love giving gifts and I love watching them be used with joy.
So I’m heading to bed now. To rest in Him and the good gifts He gives. To recharge for the work He has blessed me with tomorrow. To have enough overflow in my daily life to serve him in this God-sized dream.
Yes, I need rest.
Apr
18
2013There’s been this huge pregnant pause in my dreams recently.
The biggest pregnant pause in my life ever… waiting for the first cries.
Yes, I’m highly enjoying interacting with members of my Free Beginner Photography Class. Yes, my children are finally healthy and it’s spring and we’re all romping in the backyard. Yes, when the Spirit prods, I am writing from my vulnerable everyday mess. I am even feeling called to attend Allume and my last session had provided all the rest of the money needed to purchase the ticket.
But email inquiries were resulting in people who disappeared right before they booked a session. I hadn’t even had a session in over 6 weeks. My initial God sized dream to book 12 sessions this yea, well, it was seeming next to impossible. Feeling pretty low, I messaged a photographer friend for marketing advice.
But she didn’t give me marketing advice, she showed me the very heart of God.
While I was feeling discouraged, she was feeling a call to give me a very large and unexpected sum of money toward the purchase of a professional grade camera that at my current business income, I wouldn’t be able to afford for at least 5 years.
I think I was speechless for days. Here was my heavenly Father (through my generous friend) wrapping his arms around me and just whispering, “Be faithful with what I give, sweet daughter of mine. I will walk you through dreams. And this walk will be wilder than you ever imagined.”
But then I still had a huge decision. What do I do about Allume? With her gift and the money I currently had I could easily buy a used camera body one step under my ultimate dream camera. If I bought the ticket with not one session on the books, how long would it be before I could purchase that same camera body? By the end of the summer? 2 years from now? Longer?
There God was, holding out an extravagant gift after giving a calling to attend a conference and what was my response?
I was doubting His sovereignty.
If I bought the ticket to a place He was calling me then I doubted that He’d make it possible for my much-needed camera upgrade to occur. Did I mention He had contributed over 1/2 of my step down from dream camera body and a little over 1/4 of my I don’t dare to even ask for it camera body? And my response was to doubt.
Yet, my part of dreaming this crazy dream to be a photographer (and sometimes a writer who speaks right where He asks) isn’t to create results. I don’t have to shoot 12 sessions this year (my well written SMART goal- Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely) even if that is a huge part of the dream. My real dreaming assignment is relational obedience to His callings.
In her book, You’re Made for a God-Sized Dream: Opening the Door to All God Has for You
, Holley Gerth says it this way:
Saying yes to God at every step is the only true success when it comes to your dream… If you are obedient, then you are successful regardless of the results.
So I bought the ticket. I obeyed and sat back and trusted His gracious sovereignty. And I’m still fighting the Chihuahua of Fear, but that’s okay because the Lord Jesus Christ walks beside me.
So, fellow dreamer, here’s the truth of my story now: relationship motivated obedience is always what God asks.
Even if He takes you off the course of what you thought your dream might be, obedience is key, because the Giver only gives the best gifts even when we don’t understand.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected two babies… best gift ever.
Apr
10
2013This week’s God-sized Dream writing prompt from Holley Gerth made me laugh out loud! Here it is below:
“Fear hangs out right next to whatever it is you’re most called to do. That means the closer you get to your calling, the louder fear sounds. Keep going–fear is a chihuahua that sounds like a Doberman.” —You’re Made for a God-sized Dream, Chapter Five
Your prompt from last week: It’s time to have a little talk with the fear in your life. Write a letter that starts out, “Dear Chihuahua of Fear, I have some things I’d like to say to you…” {Is this kinda silly? Um, yes, but that’s the point. Fear always tries to make us take it more seriously than we should.} Link up your letter below. Extra credit if you can make us laugh out loud.
Dear Chihuahua of Fear,
I have some things I’d like to say to you.
You’ve been barking at me for far too long.
Honestly, I wasn’t gifted with compassion for loud rat shaped miniature dogs (sorry, if you were) and I’ve honestly wanted to kick you since I first heard your yap.
But I have refrained because I didn’t want anyone to see me boot you from here to China. It’d sort of be disgraceful, you know?
But the truth is your annoying little bark is responsible for whispering things that devalue my worth as a daughter of Christ.
Maybe you do deserve a good swift kick.
You see, Chihuahua of Fear, you’re written about in the bible (although the writer refers you to you as a lion… such an overrated title).
The sluggard says, “There is a lion in the road!
There is a lion in the streets!” Proverbs 26:13
So let me tell you something. You can sit in the middle of my path an yap away at me all you want. I refuse to listen (well, except sometimes… when I’m weak and haven’t yet appealed to the Lion of Judah, the real Lion). I don’t think I’ll kick you either because that would be wasting time and energy better suited to faithfully working toward the God-sized dream in my heart.
You know what else, Chihuahua? I’m not going to let my friends pay any attention to your posturings in the middle of their streets either. I will sit here and encourage through the bad days and point to Christ. I will tell myself and anyone who needs to hear that the only way to ignore the chihuahua of fear is to press into the Maker of Love.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18
If I’m going to be punished if success (as I or you measure it) never occurs, then, yep, I really ought to fear you, Chihuahua. But that’s not exactly how things work.
The problem is that you’re barking up the wrong tree; you know you don’t want to mess with the daughter of the one nailed to that cross tree. Yeah, I didn’t think so. You might want to quit barking at that cross… the One who bore it has power over death.
But what’s more, Chihuahua of fear, the Conqueror of the death tree you’re barking me against defines success differently than you do. He defines success as obedience motivated by love and disobedience followed by sweet repentance. And there’s no room for you in perfect love.
So move over, Chihuahua of Fear, I’m going to to keep loving and seeking the One who loved me first by His grace. I’m going to keep following that perfect love right into the heart of my God-sized dream. And when you get too savage, my Savior will carry me right over you.
Hasta la Vista, Little Yip Yap.
Signed,
a daughter of the King whose Name is Love
Apr
08
2013Spring is here.
I have this incredible urge to change clothes like the trees and adorn myself and my space with beauty.
I push the plastic playground down our sloped yard and into the shade. My daughters pick clover ‘flowers’ and place them in an empty spice jar on the table. I move all the furniture around in our awkwardly shaped living/dining room, trying to find the arrangement that is most beautiful and most suitable.
My back hurts at the end. The baby breaks into a puddle of tears and when I lay him on the moved couch, he stays. It’s so unusual I touch him to find his temperature feeling a little higher than normal. I’ve said a few words in unkind tones trying to prod my daughters out of the way so I could move the next piece.
My real life is filled with beautiful-mess. Sure my living room is now vacuumed and rearranged… but there are nail polish stains on the carpet, a play kitchen topped with everything we want to keep out of Sedryn’s reach, and hurt feelings that had to be healed as I hustled the littles about in an effort to get this done.
Oh… and a pile of wet laundry still waiting to be hung out on the line.
So much of the time I only want to show you the newly rearranged space. The pretty manicured side of my life. I want to hide my sin. I want to step back from true community and sit smugly with my I’ve-got-it-all-together glance around the room.
But there are always two sides to my life. There is always the sweat and blood and tears and frustration and sin and dreaming and learning and encouraging words and the very hand of God behind anything “I” accomplish.
To show you the sin, the disappointment, the pain, the sorrow, the struggle, the fear, or the achy-furniture moving back as well as the God-glory moments of beauty, joy, love, sacrifice, and perfectly arranged furniture is to encourage you that your most beautiful moments really are the messy everyday vulnerable stories. Precisely because those moments are less than perfect. Precisely because those moments are yours alone by grace.
So when Holley asks me to share the why behind my dream… I almost what to shake her. Really? Why?! Why not, Holley? But then I remember, God wired us all differently.
This passion I feel to share with you my own messes and to hopefully be invited to photograph your messy real (and truly beautiful) life is mine. It’s a calling. It’s a gift. Holley or you may never fully understand the why, but here’s the most succinct way that I can share with you why.
When I finally reach out to community in my worst sin and tear filled moments, I am most encouraged to keep walking with Jesus the next day when I hear my community whisper these words:
“Oh, sweetie, I’ve been there, too. It’s so hard. But God is bigger than this and He’s growing you to be more like Him. Let’s pray that he will help you see the beauty in that very hard growth.”
I want to write and photograph in such away that the community around me (no matter how small or large) can hear that encouragement through my work. That is why I’m pursuing my God-sized dream, because I know the power of a voice that speaks grace.
That’s why you should pursue a God-sized dream (more of what God has for you), because only your voice can speak grace in the way He designed.
Mar
27
2013The floor has been vacuumed and the dish and clothes washer loaded. Cloth diapers have been returned to their home. Some clean clothing found its drawers. A bird feeder was painted shades of blue and red by very serious little girls. Sick baby boy tears have been soothed. Two meals were fixed, eaten, and cleaned. Twenty row of a sweater sleeve were knit while three adorable rascals dug, climbed, and soaked in the glorious, but chilly sunshine. I’ve managed to tape together and modify my pattern for my Easter dress. It’s nap and rest time, and I finally get a moment to myself.
Let me confess: my camera battery has been dead for about 9 days.
My everyday is filled with the holy calling of three little lives and my handsome husband. A task both so mundane it brings me to frustrated tears and so big, so beyond me that I can hardly breath under the weight of it all.
I spend 15 minutes here and 20 there tapping keys or clicking the shutter desperately trying to use this one life to fill the calling to show beauty in the midst of everyday mess. And the God who gives that calling, He provides plenty of everyday mess to give me the opportunity to do just that in my very own life.
Like that moment where I pulled that little girl to my side and breathed the grace that she doesn’t have to be perfect because Jesus was perfect for her already. Or the moment where a different little girl was climbing all over me and I snapped at her just wanting a moment of peace after working so hard to tidy our messy space. Or that moment where the little boy, sick again, burst into tears at my feet wanting his nap prematurely and I was able to hold his small body close. Or how I fought back bitterness toward my hard working husband with the gospel as I loaded the dishes and cleaned up the mess from yesterday’s trip.
I have plenty of beautiful-messes and ugly-beautiful in my life. And all of it is grace. All of it is the road Jesus uses to guide me deeper into Him. Uses to make me more like Him. Uses to bring me to the end of my prideful self so that He can file me with His Life and power to live the dream He’s called me to fulfill.
The life of a God-sized dreamer isn’t easy, but every moment writes His story.
Linking up with Holley.
