Jul
10
2015
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Dear New Mama,
So this is the week you head in for that 6 week check up (or maybe that was a few weeks ago). You’re about to hear some words that are going to rock your sleep deprived world and I’m going there today to talk about these words (but not without a bit of fear).
“Okay. You are healing great. You’re cleared to be intimate with your husband again. Call me if you have any problems. You’re doing a great job and your baby is so sweet! Thanks for bringing him in for me to see again.”
And I know what you’re thinking. “What did you just say?! Didn’t that get me into problem in the first place? And really? SEX? I haven’t slept through the night in 6 weeks and what about the milk and the stitches and the….?”
Oh, Honey. I get how tired you are. And I’m not gonna lie and say that sex after baby and especially sex while lactating is normal or easy at first.
But here’s the deal: your husband is still looking at you with your weird bread dough feeling tummy and your swollen ginormous nursing chest and thinking he married the hottest woman on the face of the planet.
Do you hear that? He still thinks you’re hot.
I know how insecure you feel in this new mama skin. I know how you’re thinking about how you haven’t slept in months and what if baby starts crying during that intimate act?
In 18 years, your baby will go off to college and you may realize that you missed a few chances to nurture your relationship with the love of your life. He’s worth a little effort right now when you don’t feel okay with your body and you may not have a sex drive at all.
My challenge to you, new mama, sit down tonight and talk this out with your husband. Tell him:
- how you feel about your new body (and try with all your might to believe the words that he will say in response)
- how you were just cleared for sex
- what your sex drive is really like right now
- in what ways you need to him to be gentle with your body during intimate encounters
And then together make a plan to tackle these intimate issues. And don’t feel guilty when things aren’t working out. You guys are a team. And it’s going to take awhile for the team to figure out how to play this game again.
(I’ll admit it, there was a season in new motherhood where my husband and I scheduled sex. I made sure to take an extra long nap that day of the week. And he took care of the babies and heated a store bought pizza while I took a shower and transitioned from new mama to lover.)
Cheering you on as you make this transition,
Melissa
Jul
03
2015Click Play to Have Me Read You This Post
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Dear New Mom, Your little one is now well over a month old. You mourn the passing of the weeks. You wonder if this is what it truly feel like to live. You wonder how to savor every moment. You wonder how to bottle up the joy, the sorrow, the childhood, the becoming of a mama. I used to nurse the twins on the couch. A stool under my feet. A giant twin nursing pillow propped on my knees with two babies cuddled close. My laptop tucked up under the pillow (this was before the days of the smart phone that you’re reading this post on). One day I stumbled on the following story during one of these nursing sessions. The story that taught me the most important lesson of my life. I remember the words seared on my heart. And “Give thanks if you are joy-filled” is really — “To be joy-filled, give thanks.” The following is a excerpt with a link to the article. Find joy today, new mama. Cheering you on, |
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Night after I read the story, I go looking for an old horn to screw right to the wall, because there are things worth the proclaiming. And after I find one, I walk around the house with the horn in hand trying to figure if it looks best on this wall? Or the back of this door? The Farmer raises his eyebrows. “A horn on a wall?” He’s grinning boyish. Joshua is playing scales. Levi’s reciting Latin chants. Shalom and Malakai are arguing loud over a game of chess. “Because you’re thinking it’s not quite loud enough in here yet?” “You!” I tease, poke him in the shoulder, him broad like a beam that carries half my world. “Does it look right here?” “I think I’ve got a wall out in the barn it might look perfect on.” He winks, shields himself with his arm to fend off the next poke. “But if you knew the story….” He nods, knowing, smiling, “Uh huh.” Stories can turn around whole hard hearts. Click here to read the rest of this story retold by Ann Voskamp. |
Jun
26
2015Click Play Here to Have me Read this Post to You.
My husband had been back at work for a week. My mom and sister had left 3 days ago. The first two days we had survived. Someone had brought us meals and I had taken a ton of naps with the babies nested on either side. It was going pretty swell.
There was no meal arriving tonight. I smiled bravely and went into the kitchen to put something together with the remaining leftovers. I was starving.
It was witching hour. That tenuous time between 3-6pm where wires get crossed in every baby I have ever met and no-solution screaming ensues.
Both girls started crying just as I put something on the stove to warm. I kicked one in the swing whose batteries had already died while bouncing the other. They screamed louder.
I went to the kitchen to warm their bottles. Realized I had burnt whatever I was heating to the bottom of the pan. I started to cry a little as I got the bottles warmed. They screamed louder.
Fumbling with lukewarm bottles and two floppy babies under 6 pounds, I finally got them on my giant twin nursing pilllow to feed them both. They fought the bottles and They Screamed Louder.
Then I screamed too.
And suddenly I understood shaken baby syndrome.
I put both babies in the crib screaming and went outside to pace in the driveway for the next 10 minutes until my husband got home to help me out.
Dear New Mama,
I’m sorry for giving you whiplash with last week’s hilarious email followed up with this week’s serious email (go back and read the last one now if you need to!). But I need you to hear this.
You are not the only one who understands the shame and sorrow associated with the feeling of wanting to shake your little one. Almost every new mama has (or will) feel this feeling at least one time.
But the painful truth is that new motherhood is not all roses and sunshine. Raising a little one will be one of the hardest things you have ever done.
New motherhood the first time around is especially vulnerable. The sleeplessness. The hormones. The pain from birth. The pain from nursing. The complete loss of any illusion that you were ever in control of your life. The wondering if all you will ever be now is “just a mom.”
It may be normal to feel like you want to shake your baby every once in awhile, but if the story I described above is your daily life: you may need to seek some help for Postpartum Mood Disorders. I so wish I had sought help. I needed it.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed and like you’re never going to get a handle on this new life you’re living, click here to read the symptoms of Postpartum Mood Disorders in Plain Mama English and find out how and where to get some help before your 6 week appointment.
You are not alone. You don’t have to do this alone. Get help if you need it emotionally… or if you’re just having a rough day.
You are not alone.
Cheering for you,
Melissa
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Jun
19
2015Click Here to Read the Rest of the Series
If Your Hands are Busy With Baby, Click Here and I’ll Read to You.
Dear New Mom,
Sometimes laughter is the best medicine.
However, I know it take a few days, weeks, or years before things are truly funny in retrospect.
So I will humiliate myself and allow you to laugh hard at my sleep deprived life with our twins.
You are not alone in the sleeplessness and the ridiculousness.
Laughing with you,
Melissa
7 Things that Have Happened to me While Sleep Deprived
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My mother in law opens a cabinet to get something for dinner. “Melissa, why are there two bottles of breast milk in here?” |
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I get up to walk to our bathroom. I slam my whole upper body into the wall next to the bathroom door. Dazed on the floor, I hear my laughing husband say, “I have never seen anyone walk sideways before. You were totally diagonal.” |
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While feeding the babies at 3 A.M, my husband says. “Oh, honey. I should help you out around the house. Maybe tomorrow I’ll mow the carpet.” I reply without thinking: “Maybe tomorrow you could also vacuum the lawn.” We both laugh uncontrollably until about 4 A.M. |
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Imagine a wide receiver catching the ball just inside the end zone while falling flat on his face. Now, put a baby in my hands and flight of five stairs at my feet. Now imagine that it happened four times in a week with an audience each time. |
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I wake up to violent shoving. “Honey! Don’t roll into the baby! I brought her into bed while you were sleeping.” I rub the sleep out of my eyes and the place on my arm that is smarting. There is no baby in the bed. |
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I wake again to crying. “Derek, can you put Aeralind back in her bed and bring me Bronwyn to nurse now?” |
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I wake to a strange noise. Having installed a sound machine so I don’t wake to the twin’s sighs anymore, I can’t figure out what is going on. I roll over to find my husband hitting himself in the chest. “What are you doing?!“ “Burping Bronwyn.” |
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Please comment below and let me know that my husband and I are not the only couple who have experienced an “Invisible Baby Saga”. |
Jun
12
2015Click below to have me read this post to you.
I marched into that lactation consultant’s office proud and ready. My husband was pushing our 7 day old twins in the stroller next to us.
My milk had come in strong at 5 days postpartum and we already had a quart extra in the freezer. We’d been bottle feeding after trying them at the breast for the past 4 days after 3 days of syringe feeding in the hospital. Today was the day I was certain the girls and I would figure out this breastfeeding thing and we would be finished with the pumping and the washing and the sleeplessness.
I sat down for my first feed and weigh with my Aeralind. She nursed for a solid twenty minutes stripped down to nothing to keep her awake. The LC was almost uncomfortably close. She weighed my baby girl again and before she said anything, she handed me a tissue box. I needed it.
I was doing everything right, but my tiny girls just were not ready she told me. Then, as I hooked my pump up once again, we developed a plan for helping them learn while keeping my sanity.
Dear New Mama,
Breastfeeding rarely comes easy for anyone. It took me 12 weeks to transition my twins to the breast. When I did, I had mastitis every other week for a month because no one told me that pumping 21 ounces of milk at 3 am wasn’t a good thing (even if you have twins).
For my little boy two years later, I had cracked nipples for the first two weeks because I couldn’t position him correctly on the right side. My toes still curl thinking about it.
My sister’s little guy didn’t gain weight for over a month while nursing every 1.5 hours around the clock. She supplemented a little and took herbs I can’t pronounce and finally they figured each other out around the two month mark.
My mama tried to nurse me. But like my children, I had food sensitivities to dairy (protein that travels through your milk). I screamed and screamed and screamed around the clock. The doctors helped her discover that soy formula eased my tummy troubles. Mama and I were much happier after that discovery.
There is such a push to breastfeed these days, but such precious little support for the nursing mama. Here are 3 things I want to tell any mama who is nursing:
1. Breastfeeding is hard and you need support. Don’t be afraid to call your mama, your nursing friend, a lactation consultant, the La Leche League, the Breastfeeding Center of Greenville, or your pediatrician for any question you need. You can even call me. Yes, even in the middle of the night. Surround yourself with supportive people.
2. Don’t quit on your worst day. You may shed more tears over nursing than anything else in your life, but don’t quit on a day where both you and the baby are screaming. Wait a day or two until you aren’t crying to make that decision. And call over your neighbor, coat them in hand sanitizer, and tell them to hold the screaming baby while you take a nap on your worst day. 😉
3. Do what makes you both happy. Your baby needs a mama who loves them and some kind of nourishment to grow. If breastfeeding is working to provide both of those things (even though it’s hard), keep at it while understanding that this isn’t every mama’s story. If you find pumping and bottle feeding easier, that doesn’t make you less of a mama. If your baby is uncomfortable and formula works better to soothe their tummy, that doesn’t make you less of a mama. If you are crying all the time about nursing and you can’t enjoy nursing and cope with the sleeplessness of being the sole nourisher of your baby, then feed them formula and know that you are not less of a mama for doing so. Make the feeding choice that is right for both you and your baby, and know that you are the most amazing mama that your baby will ever have.
Chin up, new mama. I am so proud of you for loving your little one and giving them the best of you no matter what that looks like.
Cheering you on,
Melissa
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