Jul

10

2013

The Intentional Marriage Bed {Construction School for Wives}

Construction School / Marriage  Posted by / 5 comments

My dear friend Julia is here today writing about what I hoped none of these girls would be brave enough to tackle.  Mainly because my heart is that selfish… and I don’t want to change.  This post and a couple books I’m reading are starting to soften this hard heart.  I hope it softens all of your hearts too.
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As a mama of a six-month-old and two three year olds, I am in a season of life that leaves me just bone-tired.

I love the way Steve Weins describes this level of tired,
Ragged, how-am-I-going-to-make-it-to-the-end-of-the-day, eyes-burning exhausted.
Nailed it, right?
I don’t know how you make it through days like this. I, pretty much function on coffee, prayer, and the hope that schedules will align, and just maybe (please, please, please-with-a-cherry-on-top, God?) all three girls will be down for a nap at the same time.
By eight, most nights, all three girls are in bed—we might come to the 8:00 bedtime limping and barely hanging on, but we get there. Then, Brad and I enjoy a bit of time together before we head to bed.
So. Here’s the scene:
Teeth freshly brushed, face washed, comfy pajamas on, lights off, head nestled into my pillow, eyelids heavy, soon to be asleep—when it happens—my husband speaks into the quiet darkness of our room, asking for some “couple time”. (Click to Tweet this little cliffhanger line.)
I reel, because I was halfway asleep, and being jerked back awake when I am oh-so-tired is jarring. My head spins with:
Say what? Are you freaking kidding me?? (Only, maybe I don’t use the word “freaking”) Doesn’t he know how tired I am?? And Ruby will be awake in a hour or two—doesn’t he realize that I need sleep! What a selfish jerk!
What I actually respond with is way worse:
All day long the girls have wanted a piece of me—my time, my energy, my milk—I have given all of myself, and you’re just One.More.Thing….wanting. You’re just not on my to-do list. 
 Ouch!
Yeah. Not pretty. A glimpse into my ugly, albeit, weary heart.
When God created man and woman and gave them the gift of sex, it was beautiful:
…and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:24b-25)
That kind of love and vulnerability is indeed a good gift.
(I’m a closet science nerd) Did you know that there are only two other mammals that have sex for pleasure?
The dolphin and the bonobo. Don’t know what a bonobo is? Neither did I.
So cute, right?
So, since we’re one of three mammals on the planet who enjoy sex, it’s special. A gift.
Speaking of other animals, do you know what the next verse says?
Now, the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord had made. (Genesis 3:1)
If you keep reading, the serpent tempts Adam and Eve, they munch on an apple, and sin enters the world.
God designed marriage to be the closest, most important relationship we have here on Earth. It’s no mistake that just after describing the beauty of physical intimacy with our spouse, the serpent enters the story.
When sin entered the world, that snake coiled around marriage and sex and oneness—and made a relationship that was complete and full into something that we have to claw and fight to find joy in—sometimes.
My response when my husband asked for “couple time”? Those words were full of slippery, slimy snaky-ness.
I described my Love, the person closest to me on this planet, as grocery item to be checked off a list—and this day, he didn’t even make it on my list. I put everything else ahead of the one who is supposed to fall in line right below God.
So….
What to do.
I’m still super-tired. With that sin-snake comes babies who don’t sleep, and toddlers who test boundaries Every.Waking.Second.
But.
I am trying (claw and fight, right?) to be intentional with my husband. To go to bed earlier. To say yes. To love him well in this bone-weary, sleep-deprived season of life.
Join me in the fight?
Because he’s important.
Because this oneness thing is a gift to be enjoyed.
Because “couple time” is an important part of a healthy marriage.
And, I really, really, hate snakes.
(Love those bonobos though!)